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Funny Dog Things

Send your funny dog things to betty@poolandspa.com

Top Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1- Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all !!!
2- Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
3- Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4- Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5- Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6- The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7- Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8- Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9- Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10- How you act disgusted when I lick myself........Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs & Cats Are Better Than Kids

1. They eat less.
2. They don't ask for money all the time
3. They are easier to train.
4. They normally come when called
5. They never ask to drive the car
6. They don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. They don't have to buy the latest fashions
8. They don't want to wear your clothes
9. They don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Note to be posted on your front door:

Notice To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1- They live here. You don't, so shut up.
2- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.....That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3- I like my pets a lot better than I like some people, most probably you.
4- To you, it's an animal. To me, it is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly....most probably like your children.

Note to be posted very low on the refrigerator door - nose height:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

Please note the following to ensure a properly run household:

1- DISHES - The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

2- THE STAIRS - The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

3- MY BED - I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

4- THE BATHROOM - For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

5- KISSING - The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Send your funny dog things to betty@poolandspa.com

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